Rebellious / Stubborn / Selfish -These are the words I found most closely described myself when being forced to take a closer look at my behavior shortly after I suffered a concussion.
Here's the story. A little over six months ago I was at a junior/senior high summer camp and decided to make the brave decision to play a game that resembled tackle football in the dark. While following the advice of veteran players and running closely behind a large male to make it to my target, I veered right when he went left and the young man trying to tackle him went right into the bridge of my nose. I DID NOT brake my nose, I DID get a major concussion that I'm still recovering from.
As soon as I left the camp I did everything I could to claim I was 'abiding by the rules' while actually still living the way I wanted. I had plans to go to a music concert that was a 2 hour drive away...I went. I had black eyes, wore ear plugs and sun glasses...but I went.
My family had planned to stay in Salt Lake City, about 5 hours from our Boise home while my husband was working there. I not only drove there, but drove back and forth 3 times for things I thought at the time were important. I continued to carry on with obligations I had, cutting down screen time, but pushing the limits every way I could. By the time my head really felt like it was going to explode, even after my usual 2 tylenol and 2 advil, and started making me so nauseous I didn't want to move, it was too late. I caused a minor concussion to develop into a major one with a LONG road to recovery.
IF I had just....but it was too late for that. At that point, about 3 weeks after the concussion occurred, I was at the worst point I've ever been physically. I couldn't take care of my family, I could hardly take care of myself. Lights were blinding, noises felt like someone was throwing rocks at me, I was dizzy and off balance, I couldn't process thoughts, my head hurt all the time, and I was often times nauseous. I couldn't lay and make plans or think about the future because just that much stress would cause me pain. I couldn't have a lengthy conversation without feeling overwhelmed and causing my symptoms to worsen. ANY form of stress made me worse. ANY use of energy made me worse. Mindless things like tv and scrolling through facebook were obviously out as screens were blinding. If I didn't eat enough nutritious food or drink enough water I got worse. If I didn't nap every few hours I got worse. I felt like a brand new baby!
I'd like to say that I was so disciplined that I chose to spend all my time in prayer, but I literally had no choice but to lay and talk to God. After wrestling with the WHY me and WHY can't He just fix it, I felt His soft presence telling me it was my time to rest and reflect. As I listened and truly accepted that as truth and rested in His presence I started to see all the blessings coming out of this hardship.
I have so many close people in my life but I never before was able to see just how caring and selfless they could be. My children and husband all stepped up to care for me, our home and themselves. My parents, siblings, in-laws and friends were helping with groceries, transporting kids and helping me with online necessities. My church family stepped up to take on all the extra duties I could no longer do, brought us dinners, prayed for me and sent their love. I have never felt so loved and cared for!
In addition to that, my relationship with God had strengthened. I walked through a lot of past hurts in prayer and found healing. I learned more about natural medicine, learned how much stress affects my physical body, what causes me to stress, and how to let go of it. I had a complete detox from tv, facebook, and other time wasters. And as I started to heal, I found myself playing more games with my family, spending more time talking and just being present with them as I wasn't so preoccupied by all the business I'd previously filled my life with.
I also found God bringing me back to my soul purpose. I tend to be a person that doesn't feel successful unless I'm busy. I believe God used this time in my life to teach me how to live differently. How to put His will in my life not only first, but as the main focus. How to enjoy the little things and be more empathetic to those who aren't always on the go. He has called me to focus on the ministry of Faith Fueled Fitness and my family, and that is it. I am so thankful that I obeyed this time for when He lead me to this decision at least four months ago I had no idea I would still be on the road to recovery and that is really all I can handle for now.
Even though I never would have chosen it, I can truly say I am thankful for this time of rest in my life. I am still learning how to get back to life and honestly I'm still a little scared. My brain has now healed to the point where I can drive some, I can write again and I can spend some time on screens. I am excited for the healing, but want to step back into my life with purpose and not take on more than I am called to. It is a daily struggle to listen and obey as I believe this is true for all of us!
This is my prayer today. Thank you God for your healing power and my health. Thank you that even in my sickness you were always with me, giving me strength. Please help me find strength today to be bold and accomplish your will for me. Amen
One of the blessings I take away from all of this is the ability to help others with what I learned. Here is a video I put together of a very gentle Faith Fueled Fitness class to help anyone move, stretch and simply relax.