I had a dream last night that I have had numerous other times over the last 15 years. It's a dream that is so realistic I always awake still riddled with emotion. It's a dream others might scoff at, or make fun of, or some might even chose to have. But for me it is the worst nightmare I could ever imagine. I dreamt I cheated on my husband.
Please understand, any juicy details, or something you might see on a scandalist TV Show is not even a part of this dream. It is always a dream where I am looking at the man I married, whom I love with my entire being, and know I betrayed him. That I was continuing to betray him by not telling him. That I have to tell him and ruin the faithfulness that makes us- us. Break him, break me, and shatter our lives. And it's ALL MY FAULT!
The fear tied up in these dreams is the fear that I am the same person I used to be. The selfish, empty, insecure and lost person I lived as for so long. That I could still be that girl always trying to out lie my last lie; to fill my cup with others affections. Not at all aware of how to put my emotions into check and be the child of God He created me to be.
When I woke up, like every other time, it takes me awhile to let go of the fear. Relief and gratitude overcomes me. I am so deeply thankful that I have chosen a new path, allowed God to lead me and accepted His love and guidance.
I am in no way, shape or form perfect, or even close; but surrendering all my garbage (and there's a lot of it) and seeing myself through God's eyes, fills that hole I was always trying to fill. My insecurities are lessened, my happiness is real. The past feels like a bad dream. I am so thankful to have FREEDOM THROUGH CHRIST!